The End of Innocence: Keith Vs. Humanity

I Miss My Mom

2005-10-24T23:29:00.000-07:00

I woke up in aguish, hurting, heated, and helpless. I can't move my body without a grimise and when I try to speak, all that comes out of my mouth is a sound less like a human voice and more like an old American car trying to kick over in sub-zero temperatures. I had the flu. The god-damn flu. For the first time since living on my own, on the opposite side of the country from where I was born, I was struck with my first hard-hitting illness.
I lack many things in my quaint apartment. Good air circulation, consistent running water, and a fully functional toilet to name a few. Those things you learn to live with on a daily basis. But in for an occasion like this, there are some other things I lack which add difficulty to the situation. Some of those things are: a thermometer, adequate medicine, and health insurance. Now some people would consider such things as being "essentials", but I would disagree. The essential thing I was missing, the thing that puts the before mentioned to shame, is not a pill or testing device. It does not come with a stethoscope or tounge depressor. It is an orignal, a one of a kind that is unique to each and every one of us..... mom.
I call out from my bed, "ugh, I'm sick!"... no reply. No door opening followed by quick footsteps coming down the hall, just silence. It's then I realized "she's not coming". Without mom, being sick is truly BEING SICK. When you have to take care of yourself and be the lone responsible person to get your body back to health, being sick is ten times as miserable, But, when you have mom, being sick, is being on vacation!
First off, you dont have to go to school. You're in bed or on the couch, laid out, blanket over you and the tv on. She comes to your side non-stop, "need cold towel?", "need another stuffed-animal?", "sure you're warm enough?". I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. "Maybe I should get up and drink some water", I thought. Water! Ingenious! She always preached fluids! Ok, we're on to something here, I have to get to fluids. Now tap water didn't sound so exciting so what did mom usually do.
"Ok sweetie, I'm going to run to the store and buy you some drinks, gatorade, ginger ale, hawiian punch, all your favorites." Ooooo those sweet sounds. Mom heads out the door and I put my hands behind my head because kid, you're on easy street. Sure you have a fever, sure everytime you swollow it feels like a cheesegrater is going down your throat, who cares! The other kids are at school and I'm patient for the day (hopefully days if the fever can hang in there for me) Hurry back mom, I'm thirsty! Hmm, maybe I'll sneak a nap in between these Saved By The Bell re-runs.....
Ugh, ok, so she went to the store to stock up, great. I get up, throw on my Ithaca hooded sweatshirt and grab the first unclean pair of cargo shorts I can find. It's off to "Ralphs" for me, the grocery store that would supply me on my quest. I go up and down the aisles, eyes watery, head pounding, and sweat forming on the brow. I have 5 gallons of gatorade, Advil Cold and sinus, and six cans of chicken soup, not the good kind, the Ralphs brand that's 3 for 2.00 . I stumble towards the express lane, hoping the nice little hispanic lady can scan my groceries before the legs give out and I soak through my under shirt. I scan the debit card, punch in the pin and head for the car. Where was mom?
"I'm home, I bet my little guy is thirsty". She is right, she always is. Green gatorade is the first to come my way and it's so refreshing when it hits my lips. The fever instantly shudders sending chills through my body and forcing me to bundle up under the blankets. Mom sees it coming "oh here's another blanket for your chills, stay warm sweetie".
Jesus, I can't stop shaking. It never was this bad, was it? I laid in bed chugging my gatorade that wasn't even cold yet because no one keeps beverages cold anymore! The fever is pissed, it wants non of this, I toss, I turn, I'm hot and shed blankets, I'm freezing I pull them back on. Is it possible to shiver to death? How long would my body lay here?
"Want a cold pop-sicle for that throat?" Oh I am in heaven. Mmmm, cherry, my favorite. Is this lady the best or what? "I'm stirring some soup for you right now, I'll bring it over soon." First pop-sicle, now soup? Oh look, "The Goonies" is on HBO next! Time to get comfortable, our next two hours are planned and the tylenol is kicking in just in time!
These glands are like baseballs! I don't think they have ever been this swollen. I should have bought some pop-sicles, I'm an idiot. How do you get sick like this in California! It's sunny outside right now, 70 degrees! My head, dear god my head is throbbing like I just sat though church. I have satellite tv, 800 channels of "nothing is on"! Can I get a break here!
"Did you enjoy your nap honey?" Well yes, yes I did, I guess I must have dozed off while nestled up in my fortress of heaven. I love those people waving me with palms. I guess the nice hot soup put me right into a slumber. "Here you go, some more tylenol to keep that fever down, it's been exactly four hours since you took it last". This lady is an angel, there is no reason for me to ever be healthy again.
Oh these chills, when will they stop! Can I take more pills yet? Where are the directions... every four hours? When the hell did I take the first ones? Shit! I wasn't paying attention, if I take them to close together my heart my give out! You're done Keith, you are done. I was in ruin. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel, then, nightfall hit.
"Now I'll be sleeping right here next to your bed if you need me". What a lady, not even going to leave my side! What a comfort........ I'm so cold, so very cold mom. "Oh your fever is shooting up again, let's get you in a warm bath" Oh what a relief, hot springs of the gods! A nice warm bath , change of clothes, and back in bed. Night time medicine working wonders.
3AM.... shaking uncontrollably. An hour goes by, still shaking. I get up and head for the bathroom and begin filling the tub. Before getting in I decided to relieve myself of a full bladder. The shacking hasn't stopped, I have no control, I can't keep my hand steady. It goes everywhere. Up, down, left, right, it covers the compass. What a mess. Half-hour in the tub and back to bed. I tossed and turned all night, sleep was hard to come by.
"did you get good rest, here's an english muffin with peanut butter, I think you still have a little fever, better keep you home one more day..." She is a godsend, I love her, I will never leave her.
11am. Ugh, I still can't move. I have worsened. Should I go to the Dr's? Can't do that, no insurance, would cost a week of pay. Speaking of pay, gonna miss another day of work, they don't pay me for sick days. This sucks. Plain old sucks. I can't stand all these little kids running around the complex chasing eachother with play machine guns. Why is the Armanien couple arguing this morning, don't they work? Where is my peace, where is my health, where is my mom?

I eventually did kick the flue. It hit me tuesday night, I felt better by saturday afternoon. As much as I missed my mom, and I know it frustrates her that she can't help my anymore, her methods of care were lessons to me that I still rememeber and use today. Only now do I realize how lucky I was to have such a person who was so devoted to my well being. I frequently miss her but was reminded of how much so when I fell ill this past week. I delt with myself, this one time since moving out on my own. She went through it with three kids, each of who fell ill multiple times a year, none more than me. I was always the first one sick, a frequent hospital resident. Even laid up in a hospital bed she would never leave my side. Being sick made me think of all this as I laid in my bed hating my existence. I thought about how blessed I was to be the son of such a special lady. Thanks mom, for teaching, for healing, and for loving.... I love you....
...... now, how do I get a "mom" figure to wait on hand and foot now that I'm an adult?....... hmmm.... I hear wedding bells!

Pat Coleman: Anti-Ithaca, Anti-Freedom, Anti-American

2005-10-11T13:38:00.000-07:00

Over the past year I have had the distinct honor and priviledge to be a contributing author to the Division III football.com message board (www.d3football.com). Within the site is a board specifically for the conference to which Ithaca College belongs. It is there I would mix it up with other kids from rival schools as well as talk with other Ithaca alumni who were on the board. It was a place for trash talk, a place for predictions, a place for the die hard fan to make the week leading up to the big game a little more interesting. But, like all good things, it has come to an end for me. A dark presence has taken control of the message board, a tyrant of sorts that seeks ultimate control over words and information. A no doubt Stalinist, who has a hard time coming to grips with the fall of the Soviet Union and Iraq. A man named, Pat Coleman.

Pat Coleman is the Chief architect of D3football.com and he often weighs in on the particular issue being discussed on the message board. He is more a giver of stats than opinion as he attempts to remain neutral when it comes to board discussion. But is he neutral? I use to think so. Then Mr. Coleman got quite defensive when people on the board accused him of being "Ithaca bias". That's when the dark side of Coleman was revealed to us.

Shortly after that time he began removing posts of mine from the message board, saying they were vulgar and irrelevant. My first amendment right had been stripped. Another "Jim Crow" stood before me trying to take away what was rightfully mine. The same kind of man that would call for the extermination of particular ethnic group. To have my hard earned creativity pulled from public view by this vicious being was hard to endure. I began to play ball, to be more "civil", I drank from the other drinking fountain, I sat in the back of the bus. Then, the unthinkable happened.

A member of the RPI student body wrote a post referring to the blizzard game Ithaca and RPI played 2 years ago. In the post, this student had the nerve to say something to the effect of "there was a lot of snowballing going on at the game, and we all know how those Ithaca guys enjoy 'snowballing'". For those who aren't familiar with the term "snowballing", allow me to present you with a dictionary's definition: "a human sexual practice in which one person takes into his or her mouth the semen of another person, and then 'swaps' it back and forth with another person through kissing or spitting." (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snowballing_(sexual_practice) I was appalled, I thought maybe Pat Coleman hadn't seen the post yet and that's why it was still up. Then, hour after hour went by and the post remained. One of posts of mine that was removed was because I said the #'s in a particular St. John Fisher fan's username symbolized the jersey #'s of the guys on the team he had "enjoyed". I felt this comment by the RPI fan was, at the very least, just as bad. Mr. Coleman disagreed. He claimed to not know why the "snowballing" was offensive. When someone presented him with the definition, he said, that's not the definition I have. Pat Coleman was turning a blind eye to this anti-Ithaca sentiment. Much like many German citizens ignored what was happening to people in their country that were being rounded up and taken away on trains. I was outraged.

I wrote a lengthy post calling out Pat Coleman for his refusal to address the post. It was after that rant that I was forever banished from the entire d3football.com post board. Never again would I be allowed the freedom of expression on the fan forum, the Emperor had exiled me. Why? That is the question. What is Pat Coleman hiding? What skeletons are in the closet? What insecurities lead him to such ruthless enforcement? Well, let's dig deep into the person that is Patrick Coleman.

Patrick Coleman, a good Irish-catholic name if you ever heard one. (see pat: http://www.d3football.com/about.php) That's probably why the man has always had a devotion to Catholism. As a young man, we have to believe that Pat moved through the ranks of Catholic schooling, developing a sound sense of morality that would carry him through life. It is from such an education we can probably attribute Pat's desire to keep his message board "clean". I have no doubts that, if he had the ability, there would be many times he would have taken a ruler to my hand. (Think scene in "The Blues Brothers" where Jake and Elwood misbehave in the presence of the nun)

When time to pick a college, it was a no brainer. Pat would not dare enroll in a University that was state funded or non-religious private school, oh no, that would leave him exposed to the sinful side of society, the evil that is found in bars, clubs, and frat houses. There was only one place for Pat, THE Catholic University.

Pat was a proud member of the Class of 1994. What did he major in do you ask? Well, as an employee of Sports Weekly, and creator of D3hoops.com and D3football.com , it's obvious isn't it? Or is it? Pat left Catholic with a degree in "Spanish for International Service". Not quite what you would think from a "sports expert". What does someone do with Pat's degree? Well, I would guess it's a "churched up" way of saying that Pat was ready to be a missionary. Ready to spread the gospel to people in Central and South America! Hope aboard Brother Pat's traveling salvation show! Pack up the babies and grab the old ladies, let EVERYONE know! (thanks Neil Diamond) So naturally, Pat found his way from that into the Sports Information department of Catholic. Apparently the mission fields were not Pat's true calling.

Pat Coleman is an original. He knew if he went off to spread God's word in 3rd world countries he would be just another member of Christ's army. There's thousands of people spreading the gospel, why do something so many people are already doing. Pat wanted to do something no one else was doing, he wanted to make a name for himself by taking on a field where he could be revolutionary. Pursue miracles of medicine? Nope. Design architecture that will change how we scape the world? Nope. Discover a cheap, clean alternative to gasoline? Not a chance. Pat wanted to do something that would put him on the map, something that would reserve his place in the great scrolls as one of the most influential people in America's history. It was so clear to him, maybe an angel from on high came down to him..... Pat Coleman was going to bring division III athletics to the internet.

Soon on the world wide web appeared D3hoops.com as did d3football.com. In the years that would follow these two sites would grow by leaps and bounds. As time passed more and more users logged on to see what was happening with their respected teams and competitors. Pat was a success. He had done what no one else had. While stupid companies like "ESPN", "FOX", and "CBS" focused on division IA, Pat dug deeper. He defied the media conglomerates and approached his sites with a "little engine that could" philosophy. By this time Pat is "Operations Chief" at Sports Weekly and though that may have been his day job, his babies were the online sites. Soon Pat would find himself being interviewed on such programs as ESPNews and with such exciting opportunities came the harsh realization that his appearance was better suited for radio.

You see, that's what always hurt. Pat didn't want to be known as a nerdy, do-good, catholic boy. He may have been terrorized by non-catholic athletes as a child. Kids who didn't have to hold themselves to the "no birth control" standard that he did. Pat wanted to show the world that people like him CAN be cool, hip, and happening. It just didn't take and as the popularity of his site grew, Pat developed an iron fist when it came to schools that didn't have religious ties. Schools like Ithaca College that have won 3 Nat'l Championships without a single hail mary, on or off the field. He took up arms against the bigger, more successful schools in hopes of protecting smaller schools like Catholic, Marymount (for whom he also worked), and St. John Fisher.

And that brings us up to date, with my banishment. You see friends, Pat Coleman never went to the mission fields, he never took a perfectly happy Hispanic person and forced his religion on him. But, he found his crusade. A crusade not against sin, but something just as evil and imposing... bigger, more successful, non-catholic, Division III institutions. More specifically, the students and alumni that represent those schools on HIS message board, HIS creation, HIS baby. That is why I was banished, that is why more like me will continue to be banished. Pat Coleman, like so many in our government, cannot separate church and state. Each week more civil liberties are stripped from the posters of D3football.com and with it, their voice to protest. Luckily there's another amendment. The right to bear arms. The right to have another outlet in which to write and strike down this tyrant. A single hope, that readers and posters will gaze away from the fear that grips their message board and look at this document of truth and enlightenment. I may not be able to rally troops on the message board, but my message itself is strong and resolute. I will not back down, I will not hide, I will not be afraid of a man who casts stones and lives in a glass house. Pat Coleman, your mask has been removed, I've pulled back the curtain and shown the world that Oz is not some large intimidating force, but a 35 year old man in glasses who lives in Washington DC with 3 kids and a wife named Cate. I am a victim of Pat's pursuit of being someone he could never be, I make that sacrifice for my fellow bombers. Pat Coleman's attack will be his ultimate defeat. Pat Coleman and Cortland University are now looked at with equal disregard. The battle has begun.......

ÂThis is obviously a labor of love. I think that Division III athletics are college sports at its best and it needs more attention. And at D3Football.com, that is what we try to do.Â Â Pat Coleman, Publisher/Editor, D3Football.com

.......... sure you do Pat, suuuuuure you do.... you don't fool us anymore....

Don't like what you hear about Pat Coleman, voice you concerns at his Sports Weekly contact # of 703-854-5313

I'm Ready For Some Football

2005-08-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

Finally, the NFL preseason is upon us. This year, it came just in time for me. The mets are beginning their annual disappearing act from the playoff picture thus, I'm spending more time at the local saloon in hopes of finding something better. Well friends, that something better is the 2005 football season. Yes, I am a Buffalo Bills fan, which does lend itself to frequent heartache and indigestion (I'm a regular Pepcid AC user from Sept. to Jan.). However, this season I'm feeling optomistic about my teams chances and so should all of you.

The NFL has been the best spectator sport over the past decade and seems to get better every year. With each season brings an unparralled amount of question marks as to who the big winners will be. Every team has a shot, every week any team can win. It has been tough on us gamblers, but rewarding for cities all over the country. Unlike baseball where every year we know the Red Sox and Yankees will be the focal point of the October post-season, the Brewers will suck, Cubs fans will think "this is the year" until May, people will look at the Blue Jays and say "oh yeah, I forgot we had a team in Canada", and of course the city of Detroit can expect more homicides than home runs. You just don't know which teams will rise and which will fall. Last year the San Diego Chargers had a record of 13-3, the previous year, 3-13. That's just one of many examples.

So since your pumped for the season, you went out and bought the new jerseys and have TIVO-ed the preseason broadcasts on the NFL Network, I'm going to tell you how to have a successful sunday afternoon of football. I will also give warnings as to what you should avoid if you want to make it through the day and elude a monday morning "football hangover". I will also break it down for each coast, since west coast preparation and how you sustain, is very different than east coast. Here we go........

East Coast : The Night Before

You're the lucky ones. The game doesn't come early for you. You can expect the first batch of games to kick-off around 1:05pm so you can go out and get rowdy in anticipation of tomorrow's big day. However, there are some guidlines we need to discuss..

1) DO NOT MIX YOUR ALCOHOL:
I know, you're a tough guy, aren't we all. But save yourself the trouble and do not be drinking the "three wisemen" all night. If you end up sick the whole next day you won't be able to see the games when your face is in a toilet and you won't be able to indulge in the cornicopia of food that will be at your finger tips if your stomach is in reverse mode. Drinking beer? Stick with it, that's the best plan. Drinking liquor? Enjoy but don't get nuts it's costly on your head. Drinking Wine? You're gay and don't watch football anyways so do whatever you want...(not that there's anything wrong with that)

2) DO NOT, under any circumstances, SPEND THE NIGHT WITH A LADY:
Yeah, you felt the chemistry all night and things are heating up. Or, the lights are on, bar is closing and she's the last ditch effort on the way out of the bar. Both are fine, but do not go down a road that will have you sleeping over. If you're going to the girls place, make sure someone can get your car there so you can drive after the "activities" have ceased and you've sobered up, or have a friend on call to come back for you. If you sleep over you run the risk of no alarm being set and you don't get to the designated football house of the week on time. Or maybe she wants some morning sex, in which it's very easy to lose track of time. Just don't do it. Committ the dead, then get on your steed. AND certainly do not invite her back to your place because the only thing harder than escaping, is politely kicking out. If she's a long sleeper you could be in for real trouble, especially if all the guys are coming to your place for the game. You do not want her wandering out of the room into a family room of guys, you do not want to have to put on your "love face" in front of that crowd... they will hurt your feelings all day.

East Coast - Sunday Morning

If they're in a groove they could go right through kick-off and eat up most of the first quarter, is your

1) Do not even consider Church:
First of all, you're just going to feel guilty after the stunts you pulled the night before. You don't want to sit in a pue smelling like smoke, booze, and intercourse. Second of all, you never know how long these Priests and Preachers are going to go. If they're in a groove they could go right through kick-off and eat up most of the first quarter, and really, is your soul really that important for you to risk missing the start of the game? And come on, if there is a God, you're telling me he isn't a football fan, I mean honestly. Plus, you have other things you need to concentrate on that morning...

2) Up by 11:00 am:
That's plenty of time to sleep in, especially in comparison for how early you get up for work/class during the week. When you get up, drink lots of water, you need to get your body working because you're about to attack it with the most damaging foods known to man. Have a very, very light breakfast. My uncle Darren had a sunday routine of one McDonalds breakfast burrito. Something like that is small and good for a hang-over.

3) Turn on ESPN:
As soon as you wake (or whenever 11 comes around for you early birds) put on ESPN and allow Berman and the boys to get your day started right. With 2 hours of pregame you won't get more info any where else. Once you get the headlines and important news, head right for the computer....

4) Set your fantasy line-up:
Consider the match-ups, and then get your starting team in there. Make sure the stat tracker is up on the screen so you can run in and check it during commercials. Don't minimize it, just leave it up on the screen. Sign off of Instanst Messanger, there is no time for chit-chat today, let people know you won't be online on sundays from Sept.-Jan. between the hours of 1pm-1130pm.

5) Food Organization and Preparation:
By now you should already know who's getting what. It's important to rotate it on a weekly basis so the same people aren't always buying the more expensive stuff. The essentials include a piazza of your choice. The domino's 5 dollar pizza's is a good idea if you have a group of three or more. Everyone gets their own pie which is good because then you can get whatever you want on it and it wont effect anyone else. Back when I was watching games with my father, he felt the need to get sheet pizza's and make half of it mushroom, then only eat 2 slices. No vegetable platters, we're not watching the Oscars, this is football. Must be chips of some sort, tortillia, sour-cream and onion, BBQ, Ruffles, the list goes on. Salsa also is a nice thing to have on the spread. Chicken wings are a must. An assortment of Hot, mild and BBQ should satisfy everyone's inner lust for sinful bites of pleasure. Meatballs in a crockpot ALWAYS goes good. You can eat them as is, or put them in a roll if you prefer a "hero". The Taco salad dip is delicious assuming someone can make it correctly! If you can't don't ruin the day by giving everyone a stomach virus.

7:30 - 8:30 : The hour of recuperation

Ok, you made it through two games and feel yourself about to tap out from the over indulgence of hot meats and cheeses. You have two options here. One, you can take an hour power nap if you really think you can't keep the eyes open through the next game. Two, turn on ESPN and watch the most exciting hour of television as Chris Berman brings you NFL Primetime which will undoubtedly include that music that only the buffalo bills get for their games. This is a nice option because it segues right into the 830 game which is usally one of the best games of the week. After that, it's bed time. You deserve a nice rest after your hard day's work but be careful, the work week and monday are just a much needed trip to the toilet away....

WEST COAST

Night Before:

1) So, you're a big drinker huh? Someone who prides themself on being able to put down vodka by the quart. Well, if you want to enjoy your football sunday, leave your pride at home saturday night. After completing a full football season on the "left coast", I speak from hard earned experience. I'm an irish-italian who thought saturday night before football should be celebrated! I should go out with me mates and toast to this week of NFL football.... I was wrong. When the alarm goes off at 930am (half hour from kick-off) and you're so hung over your body is numb, you see a lot of haze, and you smell like Ted Kennedy's undershorts, you realize then what a long day you're in for. Then factor in 5 Drew Bledsoe sacks, IN THE FIRST HALF, the bills kicker shanking 35 yarders, an obnoxious Jets fan (aka STEVEN WHITE) throwing his win in your face and a Bengles fan (Tim Brenner) reminding you Drew Bledsoe was sacked 5 times, IN THE FIRST HALF and that there's no argument that can be made against Tom Brady and you have yourself one hell of a day...... and it's not EVEN NOON YET... ok I got a little carried away (and I love my friends and the rivalries we create)... All I'm saying is you'll enjoy your morning a lot more if there's not a polka band in your head and your breath doesn't smell like New Orleans bath water (too soon for that?).

2) Now let's talk about the protocol for the west coast guy finding a lady friend on saturday night. There is soooo much less room for error here. You know what, it's just not worth it! If the hog needs some attention fellas, do it friday night. Really lower your standards and make something happen Friday night. If you bring a "fine piece" home with you on saturday night, do you really think you'll have her out of there by 10am?? HUH? NO WAY. And like I said before, you go to her place, there won't be an alarm set and with the first games going from 10am to 1pm you could easily sleep right through it. Keep it in your pants, end the night with a kiss on the cheek and ask her to hang on next FRIDAY. (as you read this, it might occur to you that Keith might be a tad bitter because, no matter what time of year, he doesn't have success on saturday nights).

3) Set your fantasy team the night before then just do a quick overview the next morning to see if there's any game time changes. If you try to set the line-ups in the AM you might end rushing through it and make hasty decisions. Let sunday morning be for double checking, not decision making.

WEST COAST WAKE UP

9:00-9:30am

Some where in the range is when you need to be up by. People like myself who get butterflies, are usually up by nine. I strongly encourage you to lean more towards the nine rather than nine-thirty. Now you can save time by showering at half-time. Shower is not the priority here (assuming you flollowed my saturday night advice). Address the fantasy team, then begin preparing your preliminary food spread. Now because kickoff is at 10:00am there is no need to even think about something like "church". There just is no time unless you want to hit up the 7am Mass which is just ridiculous both because it's 7am and it's catholism (excuse the brief editorial).

FOOD:

Start light. Your body is in for a long day, so get the stomach going with something light and breakfast like. Like any muscle, you must stretch before you run, the stomach, my friends, is no different. Grab a bowl of ceral, maybe an egg or two or my uncle's before mentioned McDonalds Breakfast Burrito. By halftime, you can get crackin' on the menu I described in the "east coast" section of food preparation.

430-530: KEEP IT GOIN'

This is where it finally pays off to live on the pacific. While all of your friends back east are dozing off because the day is fading, us westerners are just starting to peak. We finally have woken up and ready for the encore game. Keep the feasting going as you watch Primetime and maintain a good energy level because when the last game of the night ends, you still have plenty of time to sleep because it's only 830!! You may have had to get up early on one of your few days to sleep in, but you can get a good nights rest because you don't have to stay up until midnight to see the end of the last game. Both coasts have pro's and con's but the important thing is, THE GAMES.

CONCLUSION

Well there you have it. I hope this can be of some use to all of you out there. Football season comes slow and goes by fast so make the best of it. I'm really looking forward to this season. That will probably change after the first quarter of the Bills game in week 1. But, for now, I'm pumped. All of the things I have mentioned in this post should prove to you that football sunday is more than just games, it's an event. NFL sundays are a celebration of culture, a glorification of everything American, a cornicopia of condiments and cardinal sins, a fiesta of foolishness, the holy grail of dietary disregard, the sunami of say goodbye to slimness, the.... I think that's enough. Enjoy the season.... you can find me at "The Castillian" a taste of the slums in an otherwise nice surburban municipality.

HIKE!

K

Out with the old, Bring in the young?

2005-05-12T00:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written on this thing. I stay away from "Keith updates" on the blog, but I'm still working at Nickelodeon as a peon and I'm still doing stand-up comedy which has been going well. You can see videos at www.vaughnhannon.com/keith. I plan on having my own website up soon, and you will be able to get more in tune to what I'm up to through that.... Anyways...

Lately I've been finding myself in a weird place. I wrote before about the after college experience and how it's a struggle, but I'm going to take it a different direction. I'm 23 years old and most of my friends are of the same age. I find people going in two directions. First, there are the people who seem to feel the urgency to "settle down" and make bigger decisions both socially and occupationally. Then there are people who want to keep a young frame of mind, have no obligations to others and just do what THEY want with their life and be independent of what others are doing. That's the scenario, the fork in the road so to speak. Which direction does one take? Can you take both? Can you not take either?

What I do know is that everyone seems to have a strong opinion regarding the other. If you're married, you love it and you think those who don't want marriage are wandering aimlessly because you've found all that's important in life. If you're the other type you look at people getting married at a young age as fools who are ruining the prime of their life and missing major opportunities life has to offer. We seem more worried about disproving the other and talking about those other people, than we are validating our own decisions. But should there even be a need for validation? I think not.

We're scared. We get out of school, the folks are no longer lingering over us covering our bodies with that security blanket, we're frightened. We're afraid to be alone, afraid of the unknown, afraid to fail. But why does it matter? Why are we so insecure about what lies ahead. Is it because our lives is nothing like we envisioned it would be 10 years ago. I was suppose to be a pro baseball player! What the hell happened to that plan? Son of a bitch. This fear hamstrings many people. It holds us back from pursuing our dreams. We're in a fragile state and rejection could push us over the edge. We all deal with it in different ways.

So there's the fork, which way to go? Some pick a direction, some turn and go home, because both directions are scary, we know the way back, we've been there, we know what to expect. Here's the deal, back is the only wrong choice. We can't stop ourselves from growing, we have to embrace change. And no matter which kind of person you are, it's important to set a goal and choose a direction. Going back is safe, but it's monotonous and unfulfilling. This is no time for anyone to play it safe. You wanna take a chance and get hitched, do it. You wanna run off to the other side of the country and try to hit it big, do it. Maybe D.A.R.E. class was poured on a little thick. "Just say NO" is a phrase we heard in our sleep, and "no" is a word we're afraid to hear.

Whatever it is you choose, do it with confidence, do it with pride. As far as anyone can prove, we get one shot at this life. Don't get cheated. Don't live in the past and don't dwell on the horror of the unknown. Don't try to live someone else's life, it's not yours to live. All you can do is strive to do what makes you eternally happy. That's going to differ for all of us. But search hard within yourself and admit what that true happiness is, what you really want to do before it's all over. Because, you other 20+ year olds, it will end. Now is the time to erase regret and embrace ambition. Let's not spend time on petty differences and worrying about your friends. They chose their path, let them go. Choose yours and go get it. No one is going to carry you to where you wanna go. There's no card you pick up that advances you to boardwalk so you can buy it instantly. You have to fight through the whole board.

I guess what I've concluded is that we get one chance and once chance only. Our lives are in our own hands and we can't just sit around like there's something else. There isn't. No matter what you do with your existence make sure you really attack your passions. Everyone's passion is different, just make sure it's your one true desire. Go get it and live it. There's a religious saying "Where will you be when Jesus comes back?" Well, I don't know if he's going to. But the question you can ask yourself is "what will I have done when my time is up?" Can you pass on in a state of peaceful contentment with a smile of satisfaction; or will you be in a rocking chair, miserable that your life passed you by and you're grasping at the straws of the "afterlife"? Stop talking, and choose....choose wisely.

White: Plain and Dull

2005-02-16T22:07:00.000-08:00

I'm white and it sucks. All through college I heard lectures after lectures about how the white man owes everyone. We enslaved, we cheated, and now we have to fix it. It's like when you play a prank on a school teacher, and you apologize and pay her back by washing the chalkboard, but she never gives you a good grade again. I can apologize and try give other races opportunities, but they're always gonna hate the whiteness.

For hundreds upon hundreds of years, the white skins were on top. And now in the 21st century, as I'm coming into the prime of my life, the world has decided that I suck. Not only do I suck, but I've sucked for a long time. I am the member of a racial group that has enslaved the planet. Even more specifically, I'm a white American. Americans use to be coveted, now, hated. The European nations have all turned on us, except Britain, but they're just afraid to oppose us because last time they did we kicked their prancy asses out of North America. The white man is alone, out numbered and payin' for it on an every day basis.

During class at college, when you're learning about world history, you can just feel the eyes of the non-white students bearing down on you during the lecture. As the professor lectures about what terrible things my fellow pale people have done. It's really not fair, I didn't kick out the Indians! The British did. I'm not english, I'm Italian, Irish, Swedish, and Norwegian. We stayed out of that mess! BUT because I'm white, I put the NA's on reservations. Is that not profiling? Does the color of my skin not lead to an assumption of world dominance? The Irish have been beaten around just as much as anyone else. So I won't be playing any violins in anyone else's direction. The Brits beat, raped, and pillaged us for decades.

Other white people go right along with this. Many openly reject their own heritage, and who can blame them? Let's look at some stereotypes in our society right now:

African American:
+ .... Good athletes, good physique, good dancers, jazz music, stylish, hip-hop, cultured, large penis
- ..... lazy

gotts tell ya, I like this, as a 22 year old, this goes great with my plan in life

Asian American:
+.... Dr.'s, scientists, wealthy, healthy diet, good cars, strong family structure, kareoke
-.... small

again, a pretty good situation when you get right down to it, I could use more of what they got going on

Middle Eastern:
+.... Dr's, small business owners, quickie-mart owners (I could live off slush-puppies)
-..... Terrorists

ok, this is a tough one, right now it's not the best look, BUT you have MORE opportunities because people are afraid to say no to you because they don't want you to think they're racist AHH HAA!!

Native American

+...... Casinos, magic powers. Dances With Wolves, comfortable footwear, natural medicines
-....... ??? (the whole "savage" phase is past, I don't think anyone bothers to stereotype Native Americans, they've been through enough)

My friend Andy recently informed us that Indian run casinos brought in over 3 billion last year... are we all square on the Manhattan trade yet or what? I personally have lost a couple hundred at their establishments... I would love to live on these casino grounds, all the golf I can handle!

AND NOW.....

White:

+.... "in charge", elite, somewhat good in all areas, (like mario, in mario bros. 2)
-.... Oppressive, can't dance, can't jump, war hungry, snobby country club types, "not smooth", no culture just white, got to where they are based on killing others and taking their land, racists, boring, no style, "the enemy", "the man", bigots, gluttons, only good at hockey,

I want out! I want to be cool! I want to be liked! I didn't ask to be white! it's what I was born as! Pleeeeaaase, help me. Can I get some sort of affirmative action on the dance floor? Like a girl has to dance with me for 10 minutes before she rejects me? Can't the cracker get a break??
I'm 22, by the time I'm 40, can you imagine how much the deck will be stacked against me? It's over, I might as well cash it in now.

The world has spoken, white just isn't good or exciting anymore. Everybody wants soul, lil' hip-hop up in the joint. I can't compete with that I'm a man that's stuck with the label that's been applied, like a can of tomato soup that wrongly says "cream of celery". I must carry on in this cruel world. Keep walking forward until my revolution has come full circle.... just in time for my great, great grand kids. Well hey, at least the whitey's will always have the NHL....... ahhh shit..

Someone Shoot Cupid

2005-02-14T17:29:00.000-08:00

Well it's February 14th... Yeah. The lovers holiday, the day of love, when romance fills the media and office space everywhere in America. A day of candy, flowers, stuffed bears and kisses. But for others, it's a day they're reminded of how alone they are. Of ex-lovers, heartbreak, solitude, and despair. And then... There's me. Someone that's somewhere in the middle of these two. Personally, I think the day is a crock. Another commercialized holiday that fuels America's fading economy. I'm not bitter when it comes to love, just angry towards those who celebrate this day. Whether you're the over zealous in love type, or the sad, lonely and angry type, you rub me the wrong way.
Those who embrace this holiday with extreme exuberance are sad, sad people. Sure we all love compliments and we enjoy being liked, but people love for it to be such a scene on valentines day. The flowers come into the office you hear shouts of "aww somebody loves me!".. You didn't know that by now!? I got news for you ladies, if it feels so special to be loved on V-day, you may not really have that great of a relationship. Why? Because it shouldn't be such a thrill to get a gift on valentines day. Guys feel obligated to do it, and that well known obligation should have ended this holiday long ago. Feel special when you get a dozen roses on April 11th. That day has no national significance, no one else next to you will be getting anything, then, when your gift shows up, that's when you should feel good. Someone was thinking about you on a day when the country WASNT saying "BUY FLOWERS FOR THE LADY". Why does anyone feel more loved on valentines day? It doesn't make any sense. I am not anti-love, love is great. I like to see people happy. However, it just looks so fake to see everyone happy during valentines day. The look of necessary reassurance in someone's face does settle right with me. I think it's good people feel happy and "loved". But I think there are too many material lovers out there, and this is their holiday, not the true romancers holiday.
Then, there are the people who use valentines day as a reason to celebrate the fact they aren't with someone and aren't in love. They think they're making a unique stand by going out and drinking with their other single friends. They will often refer to it as "singles night out" or something else to church up the fact that they're not in a relationship. They try to make us feel like they're having more fun being single then we are with our significant others. Well I have news for you people, you're no better then the 45 year old man who sits at the bar sipping scotch night in and night out because of how his life has turned out. Sure you're not as desperate, but come on, don't act like you enjoy being single, no one does. There are people who don't like relationships, but even they would like to spend the evening with someone. But, I will say, if you fall into this catergory, it isn't your fault. America has forced us all to feel like we need to be with someone on this 14th day of the second month.
Who is the government to tell us that we should celebrate love on any specific day of the year? It's ridiculous! Love creates just as much pain as it does happiness throughout someone's life. As a whole, I'd say it's been more cruel than blissful to people in this nation. Half the people are walking around hating the day, the others THINKING they love it, and then the select few who are truly in love go out of their way to act more conservative because they know it's just another day since they take the time to express love every day.
It's a tough balance, part of me thinks there should be more emotional holidays that remind people that human feeling should be the ultimate passion of every humanbeing. Instead of focusing all your energy on working for a living, worshipping a god, or staying healthy, take the time to express more affection. But the more common it becomes the less significant it gets, like any fad does. I guess it's sad to look at love as a fad. It seems to me love is far too complicated to make a holiday. How can we possibly say we understand what we're celebrating?? If you can get up on the 14th of February and say, "this is what love is".... you'll be broken up with the person within 2 months... you can quote me on that...

Where's the Advil? : A mid-20's Life Crisis

2005-01-20T11:27:00.000-08:00

It's 815am, my alarm is going off. "OUCH" I say, as I climb out of bed, holding my head, on another sunny Friday morning in Los Angeles, California. No I'm not hurting just because it's early, I'm hurting because I'm hung over. Like any other Friday morning, I have an atmosphere of aroma around me that resembles a Ted Kennedy under-shirt. The clothes I was wearing the night before are bunched up next to the bed and empty bottles of water sit on the night stand after my futile attempt to re-hydrate before passing out.
It has recently occurred to me that I'm having, what some people would say, a difficult time moving on past college. When school ended I figured it was time to finally become an adult. Go to work during the day, come home, put on my smoking jacket and have a pipe while I enjoy a southern comfort on the rocks all while reading the evening paper. I'd have a pet dog, a golden retriever, that would sit by my side. He would be called "Brutus" and we would hunt goose together. By 10pm I would put on my pj's with night cap, and of course one of those eye masks to ensure total darkness and sound sleep.
Instead I find the need to head out on the town every Thursday...Friday....Saturday... Occasionally a Tuesday.... Sunday if there's a Monday holiday... And any other night that someone may have a reason to celebrate. (not that an excuse is necessary, but at least my ass is covered when I tell my story to the nice people at "A.A.") I get up and look in the mirror and shake my head thinking "what are you?". A simple question without a definite answer. What have I become? Well it's not what I've become, it's what all "men" my age have become. We represent a growing population. You've undoubtedly heard of men going through a "mid-life crisis". Well I propose that the mid-life period of a man's life, is not the first time a crisis hits. I hereby officially recognize, the "mid-20's life crisis".
College was bliss. No responsibilities, no expectations, no sobriety. We played recreational sports, watched pro-sports, ate delivery food for lunch, and drank our dinners. We graced many a lady with our presence, and they graced us with immediate departure. We were everything we ever wanted to be.....Nothing. No one told us to go to work, no one told us to eat better, no one told us not to be wreckless. Our only parental guidance came from the City of Ithaca Judicial system, and they usually could be bought off by paying a "fine".
Now look at us. The group is broken. Scattered around the country as life starts to play its game of divide and conquer. As one, we were a force, now as individuals struggling to tred water in the ocean of life, we are facing defeat. So how do we rally? Well we know we can't recreate college, but we can come damn close. We can still drink, HELL, we got more money to spend on booze now because we go to work. Speaking of work, we hate our jobs. They pay just enough to cover the bills and food. Women don't like us, why would they? How many attractive ladies like spending time with men who are whipping boys for TV/Movie studios, drive cars that look like they surfed the Tsunami, and have an income in the same neighborhood as a give/take a penny dish at any gas station quick stop. So where does that leave us? Booze. Our most loyal aquaintance who always makes us feel better.
We're not alcoholics, well, not yet. Sure we night make drunk dials to people we shouldn't and lash out. For example, calling our parents and telling them how throughout our childhood we heard them "doing stuff". Or calling a girl from high school who wouldn't give us the time of day and ask her how many kids she has and what hours she works at Home Depot. We're cornered animals, scared, lost, looking for something that isn't there. We feel our youth slipping away and have countered that by going out on the town MORE than when we were in College.
We look at our beer mugs as not half-empty or half-full, but always full. Because even if we drink all the beer in the mug, the tears we cry while drinking it keep the beverage topped off.
We contemplate prostitution.... both as a consumer and employee. We think things to ourselves like "what happens if I go to sleep tonight, and I don't wake up?". We don't shave, we don't get haircuts. We watch football on Sundays surrounded by pizza, wings, and bad gas. Our belts are undone, and we have a hand in our pants. Our pick-up lines have reached the depths of the following:
1) "I want my tongue in your mouth"
2) " you don't even have to go home with me, just take your top off for a
few seconds and we'll call it even.
3) " Are you a man or a woman?"
4) "oh you're a man, well, I'm no gay..but I'm lonely.. let's go"

We bathe in self-deprecation and shower in our parents disappointment. After all, is this what they shelled out $120,000 for? They expect our degrees to mean things like "full-time job", "benefits", "at least 8 hours a day", "some where you don't wear shorts", "when you go home at night, you shouldn't smell like Courtney Love's shower drain".

But hey, it's just a phase right? Or is it. Only time will tell. As we near our 30's maybe we'll change our ways. We'll settle down, start going to religious single mixers instead of "getting loaded" 4 nights a week. Or maybe we'll finally be successful, and with our wealth we can afford to be burdens on humanity because when you have money, you can do whatever you want. I guess that's the best way to answer the question, "what am I?". I'm a man looking to put myself in a position to do "nothing" my whole life. My God.... it will be beautiful.. next round's on me!

Turkey Bowl no shows! : Class of '01 kills game

2005-01-05T11:51:00.000-08:00

The hype was there. The numbers had been discussed. The ball was bought. The ref was hired. The uniforms were laid out. But it all went for not, when only one team showed up to play. That's right, the Class of 2000 went out of their way to make sacrifices so that the Turkey Bowl game could be played, but the Class of 2001 was apparently not willing to make the same efforts. Thus the game never happened, and is probably dead forever.
There are many reasons why '01 couldn't get their team on the field. Maybe there were just too many other priorities. Even though everyone had agreed on a game dates, it would seem committment stopped being taught at Johnson City High School once '00 graduated. Maybe the fact that the class of '00 was actually going to have it's whole team in tact, unlike last year, and that worried the younger squad. Maybe the addittion of Chris Kudyk was to intimidating for certain members of the opposition. Or maybe they've just lost their playfull spirit. You see, the class of '00 maybe be older in age, but mentally they are in the hay-day of their youth.
We were willing to cut family time a little short one day, or rearrange a work schedule, and even maybe ask our GF's to go on hold for a day, so that we could do what comes the most natural to us... play a game. Underneath it all the team '00 symbolizes a group which the likes of have not been seen at JCHS since their departure. The desire to have fun no matter the cost or the arena. We never let things get serious, and have kept that going to this day. That's why the end of this game weighs so heavy on our hearts. It was taken away from us by our opponents who refused to give us a couple hours of their time so that we could relive some of the great days of our youth..together.
Many people may have thought I would be the one to change, and stop showing ambition for something like this, something that looks trivial and meaningless to the outside observer. But alas, I worked hard, spent countless hours hyping and promoting on this very blog site, only to have it all go for nothing. One of the highlights of Christmas break was never to be. It's a sign of the times. Bob Dylan said "The Times, they are a changin' " and he's right. The days of playful highschool reunions seem to be drifting away. EJ and IBM came and went, and so will one more thing that gave my hometown distinction to look forward to.

R.I.P.
Turkey Bowl
2002-2004

Turkey Bowl Injury Report (12/24)

2004-12-25T01:11:00.000-08:00

2001

Matt Yankowski - no known inuries

Jason Farrell - PROBABLE - nursing a case of "hockey skate toe" after battle on the family pond

Brian Edmunds - PROBABLE - sore wrist from excessive bowling could impact catches

Tom Ceri - no known injuries

Dave Silvanic - QUESTIONABLE - over indulged on "white russians" during family holiday party. Supposedly kept repeating the quote "you make a hell of a caucasion Jackie"..

Cliff Stewart - QUESTIONABLE - has been on suicide watch since the ankle injury to Terrell Owens. Last seen on the top of the NYPENN Trade Center mummbling "I can fly like an Eagle, I can fly like an Eagle"

Jordan Glenn - no known injuries

Jon Ruminski - OUT - didn't graduate in 2001, no matter how hard he tries to make it look like he did

2000

Keith Hannon - PROBABLE - Uncle's rye dip had him hurting on the 24th, but full recovery is expected

Matt Zelesnikar - QUESTIONABLE - hurt foot wrestling with his large brothers, he's day to day

Scott Hall - QUESTIONABLE - working at the airport will show up just in time for kick-off, a ame time decision for the starting line-up

Joe Macarak - QUESTIONABLE - game is on Sunday, Joe will envitably be drunk saturday night, severity of hang-over and reliability of alarm remain unknown

Joe Schieve - QUESTIONABLE - nursing an old ab injury.... in his back, has church on sunday but should have time to get to the field

Cal Heinle - PROBABLE - was seen in Whitney Point with a brace on his elbow from working the butter churn. Cal said it's just percautionary and he'll be fine.

Chris Kudyk - PROBABLE - there is a chance phone calls from random women across the country will keep him occupied from the game, but sources from the team say the cell will be left off during league play

Nate Dickson - QUESTIONABLE - where is he?

Dale Armstrong - OUT - legs consumed themselves

Bill Fortin - OUT - had prior committment to be a stand-in for a structural support beam at the Sears tower in Chicago.

2004-12-16T13:08:00.000-08:00

LET THE TRASH TALK BEGIN!
Matt Z says "You're #1 2001"

2000 vs. 2001, "Turkey Bowl III : The Rubber Match " GAME TIME UPDATE

2004-12-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

***** GAME 11AM 12/29 Wildcat Stadium*****

Four years ago a tradition started. My friends and I who were members of the Johnson City Class of 2000 started playing football game on Thanksgiving/Christmas vacation. We divided ourselves by those who lived on the west side of Johnson City and those who lived on the East side. That was fun. But then we were approached by a group of individuals from the Johnson City Class of 2001. They had heard of our game and offered a challenge that the two classes play eachother, thus te "Turkey Bowl" was born.
Two years ago it was the class of 2000 winning when hailmary scramble by '01 QB Matt Yankowski fell short as time expired. Last year it was 01' thoroughly handing it to the veteran class of 2000 as the elders fell victim to injuries and guest fill-ins from Oswego University. That brings us to this year! With the sides both sitting with a win a piece, we brace ourselves for a collision of Biblical proportions. With many members of both teams not available to play during Thanksgiving, the game has shifted to Christmas where the temperatures are colder, the snow is heavier, and the ground is harder. It's TURKEY BOWL III : THE SINS OF SANTA
The years of graduation are not the only things that differentiate these two teams. There is an obvious difference in the way they approach the game. One relies on speed and finese, while the other is a smash mouth team with an occasional surprise deep ball in their pocket. With this said, let's meet the teams. I have written descriptions of each player and then ranked them in several categories. The rankings are 1-5, 5 beingthe best, 1 being very unimpressive. Let's see 'em....

2001

QB Matt Yankowski 5'10 North Harrison St.

Matt certainly knows the position, he was the QB for the JCHS football team for almost as many years as Bill Spalik was a running back. He is always in good physical shape which gives him a SLIGHT edge over his counterpart. He has above average speed and is a headache for the opposing defensive coordinator who must devise a way to stop him from escaping the pocket. He is a wrestler so he certainly knows how to play physically which makes him tough to bring down as well as break away from when he's defending. Question marks surround his ability to go deep down the field as last year 01' came out with a west-coast approach to their passing game. His recievers have speed, it will be interesting to see if they try to stretch the field or go underneath in hopes of racking up the RAC yards and beating the bigger 00' team to the endzone.

QB Experience: 4
Pocket Presence: 4
Scramble Ability: 5
Arm Strength: 3
Pass Accuracy: 3

Little known fact: Has a 10-0 record in arm wrestling against Jim "Doc" Muska

WR Jason Farrell 5'10 Townline Road

Jay is a bruiser. He gets the ball and uses speed and low center of gravity to break through defenders. There's talk that he's lost a step or two over the past year, but you can expect him to try to silence those critics come game time. I reliable reciever who has great catch and run ability. Is more likely to kill you over the middle than streaking down the sidelines but does have the ability to go "yard" if needed. Jay is a fierce competitor who showed no remorse when his team injured his own cousin in the original turkey bowl game. Jay also was a member of the Wildcats football team so he knows the field well, especially the goal line.

Little known fact: Once raced a cheetah in the 40 yard, lost, then promptly shot the cheetah and made it into a nice coat for his mom

Hands: 4
Speed: 5
Break Tackle: 3
Big Play Potential: 5
Turn-Over Potential: 2

WR Brian Edmunds 5'9 Bernice St.

Brian is a go to guy down the field. Will do a good job hiding during the game and then explode for a long ball to shift momentum. Also has a knack for the interception on defense. He is a well rounded player who has one of the better brains on the field that he uses to his advantage. Will rarely make a mistake and is fundamentally sound.

Hands: 4
Speed: 4
Break Tackle: 3
Big Play Potential: 4
Turn-Over Potential: 2 (1 being very unlikely to turn it over)

Little known fact: when he goes to bed, he always has to sleep with one of those burger king crowns on.

WR Tom Cieri 5'10 Rial Ave.

T is a speedster. He's going deep and everyone knows it, as he should. Hands are usually reliable but look out for an occasional drop. Is a good defender who is tough to beat down field. Has good elevation which helps him on both sides of the ball. In past years he has been slowed by his decision to wear work boots. Look for him to open up the offense and be the home run option for Yankowski. He's all business and won't look to drag the game out...because he has to get to work as soon as the clock hits ZERO.

Hands: 3
Speed: 5
Break Tackle: 1
Big Play Potential: 5
Turn-Over Potential: 3

Little known fact: he single handidly is responsible for the removal of the JC Traffic Circle

TE Cliff Stewart 6'1 North Baldwin

Cliff is a role player. His edge is his tenacity. You can never put a value on someone who is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice on the field.... because he doesn't know any better. A big target over the middle and in the flats, Cliff can get hard earned yardage and take a few defenders with him. Has played the game for many years and can help his QB by picking up blitzes. You don't have to worry about the elements getting to him as his abundance of body hair gives him a natural edge of the competition.

Hands: 3
Speed: 1
Break tackle: 5
Big Play Potential: 2
Turn-over potential: 3

Little known fact: recieved critical acclaim for his role as "Moses" in his church play about the 10 Commandments

TE/WR Dave Silvanic 5'9 Wilson Hill Rd.

Dave is the face of the team. The organizer of the squad and the leader. His on the field presence isn't as intimidating as some of his teamates, but Dave can easily find a spot in the endzone and make a key catch in crunch time. He always brings his team ready to play and works around the clock trying to exploit every weakness there is on the '00 team.

Hands: 3
Speed: 2
Break Tackle: 1
Big play Potential: 1
Turn over Potential: 3

Little Known Fact: Once placed a 20 dollar bet with a friend on whether or not the sun would come up... dave bet it wouldn't

Jordan Glenn 6'1" Virgina Ave. Park

Don't be fooled by Jordan's cuddley exterior, he's a warrior. A big athletic man with a nose for the big hit. Also has a background in wrestling so when he gets his man-paws on you, you're gonna find the ground. He isn't gonna burn you down the field, but he will lay a lick on you and drag bodies down the field. No matter what happens, you can bet Jordan will come dressed with a smile, because it's what you wear from ear to ear, and not from head to toe (a quote from the musical Annie)

Hands: 3
Speed: 2
Break tackles: 5
Big Play Potential: 3
Turn Over Potential: 2

Little Known Fact: Jordan has successfully collected $113.23 in change from the bottom of the Chuck E Cheese ball pit.

That's your current 01' roster. It is possible another person will be added in which case they will be put in this preview...

2000

QB Keith Hannon 6'5 Penna Rd.

Some have said the west coast has softened him up, not a chance. Hannon comes into this game in the best physical shape since the game began. Is the ultimate student of the game. He will spend hours drawing up game plans to beat his competition. Had a premature end to his football career, but has been QB-ing pick up games since age 10. Like Daunte Caulpepper, very hard to bring down in the pocket and can throw the ball down the field as far as neccessary. Likes to go deep early and often, but also understands the importance of a methodical touchdown drive. Lots of experience in the harsh elements as he has been in attenedance for a Buffalo Bills game in Decemeber every year since 1992. Field goal kicking has reached 50 yards, which could decide a game.

QB Experience: 5
Pocket Presence: 4
Scramble Ability: 3
Arm Strength: 5
Pass Accuracy: 4

Little known fact: Always keeps a picture of CC Auto headcoach Mr. Vail in his left shoe

WR Matt Zelesnikar 6'1 Oakdale Rd.

Hide the women and children! When this kid gets the ball the game becomes
R-rated. Has unhumanly large hands which help him bring in anything from footballs to 18 wheel trucks. Can surprise you deep but is better catching the ball over the middle and lowering his head for big gains after the catch. Developed a reputation as a nasty player after throwing a fake punch at Tom Ceiri while running with the football. Is extremely hard to bring down thanks to his size and ability to fit into spandex. His refusal to be tackled has lead to fumbles in the past but has recently told the press he's coming into this years game with a "two hands on the ball" philosophy.

Hands: 4
Speed: 3
Break tackle: 5
Big Play Potential: 4
Turn-Over Potential: 4

Little known fact: every pre-game meal consists of tires and a human infant

WR Scott Hall 6'2 Town Line Road

All hail Hall! A big play guy all the way. Can streak down the field and out-run or out elevate his defender. The '01 team has been known to drop a safety back in coverage in an attempt to limit Hall's effectiveness. Has also shown the ability to hang on to the ball even after taking a big hit. When '00 neads a quick score, this guys number is usually going to be the one called.

Hands: 5
Speed: 5
Break tackle: 2
Big Play Potential: 5
Turn-over potential: 2

Little known fact: after scoring a touchdown, likes to take out his newly issued hand cuffs, and cuff his opponent to the goal posts and then promptly urinates on them

WR Joe Macarak 5'8 Reynolds Road.

If you blink, you'll miss him. No one on the field compares to Joe in speed. Missed last years game due to scheduling problems and hasn't let his team forget it. Has something to prove after his roster spot was taken by a man from Oswego who did a poor job of trying to fill Joe's shoes. Extremely dangerous once he has the ball, will run circles around the defense. A great downfield target but QB Hannon has been known to under-throw the speeding Macarak from time to time. Can be just as dangerous in the open field just has to make sure not to get killed going over the middle. Dropsies also have gotten to him from time to time. Is a sure thing when it comes to PAT's.
Hands: 4
Speed: 99
Break Tackle: 0
Big play Potential: 5
Turn-over potential: 3

Little known fact: Fathered the most recent Chilson child

TE Cal Heinle 6'4 Arthur Ave.

A large man, a very very large man. Has soft hands for a big fella and is a great over the middle target for Hannon. The ultimate team player, will stand in and block if called upon. His tree trunk arms and legs requires a gang tackle most of the time. Isn't going to beat you down field but he'll power his away across the goaline and find unoccupied areas in the endzone. He likes to win almost as much as he likes the 6 pancake special at Green Owl after the game. Will need to be at every practice since he hasn't been in the presence of his QB since June and needs to regain chemistry.

Hands: 4
Speed: 1
Break Tackle: 4
Big Play Potential: 2
Turn-Over Potential: 1

Little known fact: He put Randy Sherwood and Randy's family, in the poor house by beating him at "quarters" in the cafeteria bathroom.

TE/WR Chris Kudyk 6'3 Cosmo's

Salute! Chris makes his long awaited debut this year. Fresh fighting for America, he know takes the fight to the Class of 2001. Chris won awards as a member of the Wildcat football team and is a brusier with hidden speed. Will go over the middle and down the sideline throughout the game. Is tough to bring down now that he is back to his pre-boot camp size. It is a gaurentee that he will not get hurt during this game and even if he did, he'll laugh and keep playing. Will be interesting to see how he fits into the system after being away for so long, but Hannon expects to work him hard in practice. In the past, has been known to be somewhat unreliable in the hands department..

Hands: 2
Speed: 4
Break Tackle: 4
Big play Potential: 3
Turn-over potential: 2

Little known fact: has been known to play poker against rattle snakes in the Afghani mountains

Utility Man Joe Schieve 6'0

He does it all, and he'll let you know it. Isn't fast but will go deep often and have success at it. Master of the comebacker, can cut back and shed his man for a big gain. Can be a liability as injuries have plagued him in the past. Has a nose for the endzone and has shown one-hand catch ability. Has a strong Buffalo Bills bond with his QB, and goes by the nickname "Moss". Will split time with Matt Z as the long snapper and can have a Keyshawn Johnson-like "throw me the damn ball" attitude.

Speed: 2
Hands: 4
Break Tackles: 3
Big Play Potential: 4
Turn-over Potential: 2

Little known fact: In hopes of following in the steps of baseball great Babe Ruth, Joe briefly had his own candy bar on the market entitled "Groin Crunch"

WR Nathan Dickson 6'0" Robinson Hill vacinity

Nate is solid sized lacrosse specialist whose athleticism also makes him a viable asset on the football field. He played a prominant role in the Class of 2000's EAST vs WEST as a member of the West squad. He also is a Bills fan which gives him a crucial intangible in terms of chemistry with his QB Hannon. Nate bring a down field presence for the 00' team that needs all the speed they can get. Look for him to line up with Hall and Macarak to give 00' a tripl threat option that will be hard to stop.

Hands: 4
Speed: 4
Break Tackles: 3
Big Play Potential: 4
Turn Over Potential: 3

Little Known Fact: Exiled from the Dickson family after he was found to have used illegal supplements in order to beat his brothers at Nintendo Power Pad.

There is your class of 2000 squad.... simply beefy

EXTREME OFFICIAL Josh Oryhon Virgina Ave./Ukraine

He's been there since the beginning and always calls it down the middle. He keeps the players honest and isn't afraid to take disputes into the bleachers. He's got a hockey mentality and Albany street smarts. You cross him, you might as well sign your will. This guy hails from the Ukraine, so you know he won't take shit... unless you're Russian.

Consitency: 4
Time Alerts: 5
Time Out response time: 5
Atire: 2
Ball spots: 3

Little known fact: once delivered a baby in a stuck elevator and as payment from the parents only demanded they let him eat the placenta

So here's how it breaks down as far as this author is concerned.....

Element/ Advantage/ Reason

QB/ 2000/ 12 Years of pick-up experience? Gotta like it

Speed/ 2001/ 2000 has some, but 01' is deeper

WR/ 2000/ Not the fastest, but sure handed, tough to tackle

Big Play/ 2001/ Speed gives way to big plays, history has shown it

Kicking/ 2000/ Two soccer stand-outs and Hannon from DEEEEEP

Physical Shape/ 2001/ 2000 never had it, never claimed to

Desire/ 2000/ Gotta go with the team looking to avenge a loss

There you have it, should be a good one this year. Game is scheduled for ????? Wildcast Stadium. Spectators welcome but you'll have to scale or go under the fence, good luck to both teams. As game-day gets closer, keep an eye out for the injury report.

2004-11-28T02:49:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Chris, this one's for you!

Kudos to Kudyk: A Birthday Celebration

2004-11-28T01:03:00.000-08:00

For the most part, my posts divulge into a number of different topics from politics to my car. This one however, centers around a single person. Saturday November 27th marked another birthday for my friend Chris Kudyk. Now birthdays come and go and we routinely celebrate them in the same fashion each year. Sure you have a special party when you hit 21 and maybe the occasional surprise party to catch a friend off gaurd. But lost in it all is the celebration of the birth, of the person's existence. Chris has recently returned home from battle serving in both Afganistan and Iraq. Chris undoubtedly wants my post about him to be funny, because through everything he's endured, his sense of humor has not waivered. I will get to the funny but I must indulge further into the appreciation I, and many, have for my friend. See birthday's for me have always been balloons and fun, I think about Chris' birthday and it makes just want to sit in his company and talk and laugh with him, because the biggest birthday gift of all, after you've been through war, has to be life. Birthday's seem to be about gifts, Chris gave us all the greatest gift we could ever imagine. Over the last two years he has slept amongst people who want to see him die, to see us, and our way of life, perish. He stood up to that. He put his very existence, all that he is, on the line for me, for us all.
What do you say to someone who has lived an opposite lifestyle from you over the last four years? While I studied (barely) text books, he studied a battle plan. While I drank and passed out, he slept in the desert with one eye open. While stood in front of cameras, he stood in front of bullets. I got nervous around final exam time, he got nervous about surviving the next day. I complained about the dining all food, he consumed military issued rations. I said goodbye to friends at the end of each semester, he said goodbye to friends that were lost in combat. What can you say? All I can say, is Thank You Chris. Chris' birthday is a gift to all of us. Knowing him as a close friend is one of the luckiest things that has ever happened to me, and I'm honored he wanted me to write something funny about him. But after someone has done so much for you, is it really possible to write funny things about him? You bet your ass it is....

Some of you may not know Chris that well, or at all. What I hope to accomplish by writing this is for you to have a better idea of the man I call friend. Chris is a laid back, laugh all the time kind of guy. There's no where he won't go, and there's nothing he won't do. Let's take a look at some of Chris' defining moments as voted on by.... me...

A Ride South in the Shadow
Chris was hanging out with me before mentioned friend Cal and another friend of our's named Benson. They thought it would be a good idea to leave Binghamton in the middle of the night, and head to Virginia. So they did. Cal drove...initially. Cal owned a two door, teel blue, Dodge shadow at the time. A simple car for a simple time. Shortly into the trip cal doses off and the shadow drifts into the rumble strip. Chris screams, cal wakes up and Chris and Cal both wrestle for control of the wheel. Chris took over driving for a while. They did make it to virginia, and enjoyed quite the crab legs from what I'm told.

Friendly Brawl
Chris has always been extremely laid back. Almost too laid back sometimes. One night we were all drinking in the basement of my friend Scott's house. Friend Matt Z spilled beer on Scott's carpet. Scott wasn't happy when matt treated it lightly. Matt and Scott argued and then scott proceeded to an unopened can of beer into Matt's groin. Matt attacked scott. Matt is a solid sized guy with quite the temper should it come out. Chris is also a large specimen. But while small friend Joe and friend Cal tried to peel Matt off of scott, Chris sat by and continued to snack on a bag of pop-corn, watching the mayhem like he was in a theater. The look of amusement in his face was a little scary, but then he started playing WWF wrestling music on the computer while the fighting was taking place. Where was I? I was sitting next to Chris... it was damn good popcorn.

The Little Station Wagon that Couldn't.... could it?
High School was full of adolescent behavior. One night we found out a group of girls were going to be painting Class of 2000 messages all over the high school. So we thought we would ambush them with water baloons and such, and paint over everything they did with our own messages. Well many things transpire, and it turns out we're in a car chase at the end of the night. We're piled into Chris' aging vehicle, a blue station wagon. We were being chased by a relatively new black saturn. The chase led us into the local mall. Sometimes, you witness something that you don't really think you could have witnessed. Things happen that defy no only physics, but the imagination of the human brain. We were speeding through the parking lot and entered an opening to a section of the lot. The Saturn was close behind and closing fast. Then Chris pulled off a maneuver that baffles us to this day. It was like the JFK magic bullet theory. We sped into the parking section, stopped more or less on a dime, turned hard right back out the exit that was right next to where we entered and into the main street. Well the black saturn never had a chance. She drifted off into the other direction, in shock of what just happened. It was the fastest, tightest U-turn I think the automobile industry has seen. While the rest of us sat in the car, jaws to the floor, Chris just smiled and kept on driving. He didn't care that a more moden vehicle was after him. He had learned long ago, sometimes, for the best results, you have to go after something that's old and beat up to get the most satisfying results...

The Tear
Chris likes to laugh, but it's not really up to him. His body seems to need it like it's food and water. When Chris laughs, he cries. The tears pour out, it's like a humorous orgasm of some kind. All the tissues in an 8th graders bra wouldn't soak up this discharge. They say it's his laughter that caused the flood Noah built the Ark for.

You just hit me with a hammer in the testicles? Now that's Funny!
Chris doesn't feel pain like we normal humans do. When he gets hurt, he laughs. I've seen him get hit by all sorts of furniture when we would wrestle, he just kept laughing. He grabs the body part where the assult took place, and laughs while he makes sounds normally associated with pain. Then he gives you a "stunner" and goes on about his business. Rumor has it he routinely has circumcisions done because he "finds the cutting of foreskin especially funny".

Buffalo Ho!
This past October Chris went with me and our friend bill to a Buffalo Bills game. We thought it was be a good idea to leave Ithaca at 230am in the morning the night before the game. We stopped at a gas station on the way there. I said I was going in for something to drink and use the bathroom. I come out of the can, and Chris has purchesed a dozen donuts. I said "Chris, you think that's going to be enough sugar?" His reply "oh, hmmm" He the purchased a large cappuchino to go along with the box of D's. We would end up getting to Buffalo and finding no hotel rooms. So we slept in the stadium parking lot. You would have thought Chris was sleeping at the Four Seasons. He put his sweatshirt hood up, and out he was. I laid awake in the drivers seat listening to him snore and Bill pass gas. I'm still not sure which was louder....

Chris is one of the most genuine people I have ever met. He hasn't changed over the years at all. He's still a fun and easy going as ever and I've never had a dull time in his presence. This is one birthday that truly needs to be celebrated by all. I don't want to do Chris an injustice and assume I know what he has really been through. But I think we all need to praise someone who has been face to face with death and now gets the opportunity to celebrate a life continued.

Thank You Chris Kudyk ..... and your station wagon

1995 Mercury Sable: A Reflection

2004-11-21T22:55:00.000-08:00

You can hear his distinct voice. His commanding presence. The smell of a freshly lit cigarette mixed with the scent of a dry martini. Yes, it's Frank Sinatra. He's singing his anthem "My Way". Except he's not singing it about himself. He's singing it to my mercury sable, 95'. The Sable has just reached 100,000 miles, a plateu even "old blue eyes" is impressed with. I sit and watch and he serenades my beloved car. I release a few tears of joy that trickle down my cheek and onto my t-bone steak. "It's ok", I say, "it could use the salt"...

A car is special. A car is a symbol of who we are and what we stand for. Most people, especially my age, don't drive a car into the 100,000 miles club. My age group has a way of disposing of cars due to carless, reckless driving, or because when a car reaches a certain age, they give up on it. It gets sold to a scrap yard or traded in for something "better". Well my friends, my Mercury Sable is still with me. Together we've shared some good times and some bad. I wasn't sure how to celebrate this momentus occasion, so I thought I would write about my chariot and reflect on some of times we've shared and the places we've gone....

I sat in my desk chair in the small confines of my Terrace 6 single. It was sophomore year and my frustrations of having no transportation was reaching a boiling point. Dad kept saying he was working on it and I believed him. But I have enough trouble getting dad's approval on sneakers, picking out a car could last a decade. I was having a little trouble getting over the death of my previous car that has carried me through the glory days of high school. Affectionately known as "The Bills Mobile", the 1987 Plymouth Bonneville has a sacred place in my heart. Known for it's giant Buffalo Bills helmet sticker on the hood of the car, she roamed the streets of Johnson City without a care in the world. Then all of a sudden...she was gone. But then, I got the phone call... dad had found me a car.
I was happy. But the car was home and I was at school. I would have to wait a few weeks until after Thanksgiving to get my first look at my new ride. When I first laid eyes on her I was skeptical. Like the first girl that likes you in high school. But like that girl, I looked at the car and realized I didn't have any other options. I was afraid to trust Sable at first. I kept thinking somewhere, some how, The Bills Mobile was watching, weeping from the betrayel. I took Sable out for a spin. It was a smooth ride, the drivers seat had electric adjustments for my comfort. The seats were soft, there were cup holders and the cruise control was easy to operate. I was on my way. Little did I know how far she would take me...

The Sable has successully penetrated the borders of four states (NY, PA, NJ, and CA) and two countries (USA and Canada). She went cross country if you count riding on the back of a truck from NY to CA. It should at least be honorable mention considering all the bugs that attached themselves to her hull en route to the west coast. Sable is known for her forrest green paint job and crooked Ithaca College window sticker that I put there my sophomore year of college. I knew it was crooked, but I thought if I took it off it would lose its stick. In the end, the slanted sticker just added character to an automobile that would was far from typical. A unique ride that would find itself in unique circumstances....

(The following are stories that were told back to me and remembered by myself if you have more please feel free to post them as comments....)

December 2003, Ithaca Vs. RPI NCAA Regional Football Playoffs (reminded by Chad and Zach)
The weather didn't look good and we wouldn't have it any other way. Everyone told us not to go, so we wanted to go even more. Ithaca to Albany, usually a simple ride but this weekend it would be far from it. The ride up was fine, no problems. Friday night before the game we came out of the bar and the snow was falling. The storm had arrived. We hoped it would taper off... it didn't. We awoke with about a foot + on the Sable. I started the engine and began brushing her off. It's almost as if she shook most the snow off herself, as if to say "this is a small flury, let's go". As we approached the RPI campus we saw the field was on top of a steep hill. Two cars were trying to get up the hill, but it was no use, they weren't gonna make it. The hill laughed at them as they tried, relentlessly, to climb the snow covered mountain. Eventually they gave up.
Seated in the car with me were friends Josh, Chad and Zach. "We're not going to make it up that hill" one of them said. "Nonsense" I said. I shifted the automatic transmission into 2, and began the climb. Sable never waivered. As the steady snow continued to pelt the green exterior, Sable thrusted forward. Ladies and gentlemen, she took that hill. Some say Sable smiled with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth as she did so. The way home was worse. The snow didn't stop through the whole game. The thruway was trecherous, some thought we should stay over night. The Sable, being the lady that she is, never stayed the night somewhere she wasn't familar with. At the end of the night, she went home. I wasn't one to argue. While other cars tip toed along the highway, the sable cut through the storm like a Ginsu knife into a tin can. Hours later we pulled into Ithaca, unscathed. No one said a word, we just sat there in silence. Words couldn't describe what we all had witnessed. For one day, a Chicago made automobile had reached a level of immortality. I got out of the car, petted the hood, and just said "thank you". Ithaca lost that game in heartbreaking fashion, but it didn't matter. After riding home in Sable, through the nor-easter, we knew we were all winners. For we had been the co-pilots for one of the greatest moments in the short history of the car. Some where, Henry Ford was smiling....

John Cook, A Shaky Rookie (reminded by John Cook)
John Cook didn't have much experience in the Sable. I was behind the wheel and Pete and CO were in the back. Pete and CO knew the Sable well. We were headed to the movies and listening, believe it or not, to Billy Joel. The song was "Pressure" and knowing John was a big fan of the "air keyboard" I didn't want to disappoint him during the keyboard solo. I began playing an imaginary keyboard as we were exiting route 13 en route to the Pyramid Mall. Playing air-keyboard left the wheel unatteneded and Sable drifted towards the gaurdrail. What happened next can best be described as a graceful collision. Sable made contact with the gaurdrail, I grabbed the wheel, and used the momentum of the ricochet to glide back into the road. Pete, Chris and I sat as if nothing happened, no mentioned of the incident was made. John was hysterical. He was filled with panick at what had taken place. He was more alarmed that the three of us were showing no concern over the incident. I told him "John, it's the Sable, nothing to worry about". He didn't understand, but he soon would because he was driving behind us on RPI trip..

Matt Z and Keith Hit the Road (reminded by Matt Z)
It was late at night, Matt and I were tired. I was driving him home when a notion hit us. Why should we be tied down by our small town night life. Surely there was more we could do. After all, all we had to do was drive right? Well where should we go? First I said, "what about Buffalo?" Not a bad idea, I knew people there and it was only about 3.5 hours away. "What about NYC" Matt said. Hmmm, very insteresting. It's much bigger and more exciting than Buffalo. But we didn't really have any contacts there. Well, we figured that would work itself out. We pulled into the Hess gas station for a couple coffee's and a breakfast sandwich or two. The sable headed out of JC on to route 17 east. About 7 minutes later we decided we were still hungry. I exited on to Front Street and pulled into the "Spot" diner. We had a nice meal and went home. But I'll never forget that adreniline rush of thinking we were really heading out of town at 230 am.... A great bonding moment for the two of us..

Sweaty, Dirty, Sable (reminded by Bill Murray)
We started a nice little tradition at IC. Once november hit, all my friends and I would play football in the campus quad every friday after class. The weather was usually inclimate and the ground conditions sloppy. That's what made us love it. Guys being guys playing football, giving all the effort we had for something that has no significance other than our own pride. When the game was over, the Sable would be the first shelter from the harsh elements. She always heated up the interior of the car in a timely fashion. We would sit, huddle together, muddy, sweaty, cold and tired, talking about the best and worst of what had just gone down. The best part was, it was Friday and we had nothing but the night in front of us and even though we may have been enemies on the field, we were never better friends than we were on Friday nights, drink in hand...

Sable Does the 'port (reminded by Steve White)
Steve and I sped away from then friend Justin's house. We were headed to Brockport. I would be visiting my friends melissa and Bill, he would be meeting up friends as well. Sable sped along the 90 thruway as we were anxious for the night to begin. We pulled into the Brockport campus and walked into the hockey game where we would be meeting friends. Only to see Brockport was playing Cortland...'nough said... Steve and I got seperated that night. But the next morning I got a phone call and Steve wanted to be picked up in a hurry. I rolled in front of the dorm he had found his way to the previous night. I don't think the Sable ever came to a stand still as Steve sprinted to the car and threw himself into the vehicle. He didn't look back and I didn't want to know why he didn't. Well yes I did, but that's another story....

There are a ton of Sable stories. Some fun, some sad, some intimate. Whatever they may be I encourage you to share them by posting COMMENTS. I made it so you dont' have to register to leave COMMENTS. So it's very easy. Sable was and still is, a great car. I have gone many places and seen many things, and all safely, thanks to her. I hope to be able to afford a nice new car in the near future, but even when I do, I will do my best to keep her with me, even if it's just a piece....

Thank You Sable
" Sable isn't my car, it's my way of life"
- Keith Hannon, a line that can't be confirmed he ever said, but very
well may have....

2004-11-20T22:52:00.000-08:00

Mercury Sable, 95', reaches 100,000... I would reward it with a car wash.. but I can't afford it

Feeling Nostalgic About the Gridiron...

2004-11-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

Well, it's that time of year again, Cortaca. Once again Ithaca and Cortland will clash, this year it takes place in decaying confines of Cortland State. They have a nice stadium, which our parents pay for in taxes. They're called the red dragons, but the town is more like a red light district. The bombers got me thinking sweep, after we won my first two years at school. But then they left me extremely sour losing the last two years of my college career. Not a day goes by I don't wish I had another crack at those sons of bitches. As I sit here on the other side of the country, I have half the mind to hop a flight home just for the game. I would do that, but prostituting myself out hasn't quite brought in the cash. So since I can't be in attendance, here it is, from an expert, how to do this years cortaca right...

1) Hotel is a must:
This year we're on the road, so you might as well hit the road early with your friends and get a cozy motel, hourly or nightly, in the beautiful city of cortland. It was almost a year ago that myself, and some of my brave friends drove to Albany for the bombers playoff game against RPI. But you have to be smart. Leave the car load of people in the parking lot. Send in two brave souls to the desk and tell them you need a standard double. The reason for this, is many places charge by the person, and they certainly won't like the idea of crowding a whole group in. We did our home work. Found a nice place in Albany called "The Red Carpet Inn", $33 for the night...split 8 ways. Now, be well aware these places are not exactly "nice". They can be a little rustic, but look past that, and embrace it, it's all part of the experience. For instance, our room at the red carpet had a history. Our window had a large circular break in it, spider web looking and all. It also had a red substance within the break, that someone attempted to clean, but couldn't get it all. Yes, we concluded a death of some sort probably took place in our room. These things happen though, leaving town means seeing different sides of life... or death.
Now there's gonna be a mad scramble for the beds and before you try, NO, no one sleeps alone. That's right kids, bury that homo-phobia deep down, and crawl into bed with your buddy. You should be drunk enough where you don't even think about it... Until you're like me, after partying in Rochester I get up to go to the Bills game and I'm laying next to my friend Brad both in just our boxers. That will inevitably lead searching for an explaination.... but the morning isn't the time... the time is GAME TIME.

MORNING OF THE GAME:
If you were smart, and learned from your past JUG experiences, you didn't go too hard friday night. But we're not smart, and we always go hard friday night. When your alarm goes off at 7, yes, SEVEN (this time is non-negotiable), you're gonna want to lay there and quit. Everything in your body is going to say "stay down", just like Micky told Rocky in the first Rocky movie. But Rocky didn't listen, and neither will you. If you miss this morning, you'll regret it for the rest of your life, you won't like yourself, or your wife, or your kids if you miss this morning. The alochol will make you feel better, there's an old irish saying, you need to have some "hair of the dog that bit ya". Drinking made you feel like shit, now it's gonna make you feel better.
Best bet is to mix some sort of liquor with juice. Pete likes vodka and orange juice. Not because it tastes good to him, but he was literally sick every weekend during senior year so he figured drinking OJ would help his condition... even if it was laced with a couple shots of Crystal Palace. Beer is going to be very hard to get down in the morning. Some can do it... like me. But many can't, especially girls, and it's important that you get them alcohol they can drink, because when girls are drinking, men are happy.
Food is also very important because you're gonna feel like ass during the game if you don't get some nourishment while you're drinking. Bagels are good. Make sure to get some tasty ones, some with onion and seeds, and of course a great cream cheese. Donuts are good, donut holes are better. They're small, not as filling, and you can just pop 'em in.

WALKING TO THE GAME
So now you're buzzin', you're pumped and you're headed out the door to the field. Whoaaaaa not so fast. Did you pack some booze with you? Do you have a discrete container to put the alcohol into? WELL YOU BETTER! Cause it's cortaca baby, and if you're not drinking on the way to the field, who needs you! So there's a lot of you? The field is far away and no one wants to walk. And you certainly not gonna have many people driving... RIGHT..unless you just watched an episode of live on tape... anyways.. the solution is easy, do what Hannon did. You rent a U-Haul van, no seats, just cargo space. Junior year I got 15 people into a U-Haul, all pushed together with no leg room. Cal drove down from Oswego that morning on 3 hours sleep and drove us to the promised land. It was so miserable but so unforgetable. We just started singing random parts of songs we knew by heart, it passed the time. But uh oh, now you have to piss. And even if you're one of those drinkers that can hold it, you went with girls, and they can't. Easy solution, find a school or church. These are two places there are no people on saturdays. You can quietly surround the building and use their bushes without being seen. Luckily for us there was a nice elementary school right on the way to Cortland's field. Have fun with it, play swords, cross streams, do it up.

AT THE GAME

When you arrive it's going to be mayhem. The two sides will collide trying to get in and the trash talk will insue. Don't try to be creative in "dis-ing" these people, they won't understand it. You have to be blunt with them. The first Cortland girl you see, you politely say "hey you", she'll say something to the effect of "me", in a slurred kind of way. You reply "yes, you... you are a diry whore". She understands very well. When her boyfriend next to her gets pissed at you, you say to him, "hey farm boy, don't get tough, or I'll take you back to your house and make you watch me make your daddy cry". By then the nice people of the cortland police department are between you, and you can proceed into the game. Have chants prepared, don't expect to be able to make them up because the game moves to fast. The important thing is to be loud every play when we're on defense, and don't sit down unless it's half time. And even then you should be up yelling at the cortland cheerleaders telling them how over weight they are and that aspiring to "do" a gym teacher isn't very respectable. And yes, it's gym teacher, don't let anyone feed you that "physical education" line. Jon Gibbs majored in it, we didn't split hairs, it's gym teacher. You look at jail bait in small shorts.

AFTER THE GAME - with us winning

As the final seconds tick down, make your way to the fence line. Now the police are going to try and act like they're not gonna let anyone on the field, but believe me, when 4,000 kids try to do it, they're gonna sit back and watch. When the clock expires, hop the fence and head for the center of the field. Now after about 5 minutes, the fun begins. My freshman year I jumped the fence and ran like mad yelling. Then I noticed a lot of red shirts filtering on to the field. It ended up being like a Braveheart charge. A sea of red, met a sea of Blue. fists fly, people go down. Live the thrill and watch, then after 60 seconds get out, because here comes the pepper spray. If you're any where near it when it is released, you won't see for hours. While the police are occupied by the fighting, get a crowd and attempt to bring down the goal post. Usually one idiot is already up there by himself, with 4 uniformed officers standing under him with a member of the K-9 unit. (DOG) After a while the excitement will cease, and the police will want everyone off the field. Head on out, and get ready for the night time.

AFTER THE GAME - we lose

(see how to act while entering the stadium, but do it as you leave)

POST-GAME, back at your residence

Hot shower, and right to bed. You have a big night of celebrating to do and the girls are never as eager as they are after a cortaca victory. Sleep for no more than 3 hours. Any more than that and you'll be too lethargic for the night time. Cherrish the night of victory, because it seemed easy, but you won't believe how easy it is to lose this game. If we did lose, stay strong, and let the alcohol carry you through the night.

CONCLUSION

There's very few good things about Ithaca College. This is one of them. Go all out, all four years, don't hold back, and don't be affraid of being arrested. It's not more than a $100 fine.. less than Gibbs got for pissing in public. These are times you will tell your kids about, and maybe, if you're like me, take them back to... as soon as they're 6 years old. But even more important.... get ready for playoffs. You're expected to drive to Brockport, RPI, or Hobart. You'll even be expected to make it to New Jersey should monclair st. or Rowan pop their ugly, arm pit, heads into the tourny. If you're going to RPI, I know a great hotel to hit up.... committing homicide in the room is only a $20 cleaning charge....

Your go-to-guy for all things meaningless,
Keith

Luck Of the Irish? LUCK???

2004-10-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my good friend Cal the other day, some one you know him as the guy who drove the U-Haul to Cortland for JR. year cortaca, some know him as your southern tier-southern rock guru, and still SOME of you may know him as just another large friend that periodically visited Keith at college. We were talking politics and the phrase "luck of the Irish came up". Now Cal is German, and there's not so much luck there as there is a history of tyranny and destruction, but at least they're labled with such. But why are we Irish so closely collalated with good fortune?
Every minority in America has made their case for experiencing a history of unequal treatment and poverty. They feel a degree of racisms still exists in this country, and that they are judged by the color of their skin. Well I'm here to say, COUNT ME IN. I absolutely believe that there are people that have been "held down" by their racial background. HOWEVER, I think there are some that are forgotten. People look at me and think, "there's just another big, honkey, that's keeping us down". Well, they'd be wrong. I'm an Irishman, a member of one of the most abused people in the history of this world. Is is not racist for a member of a minority to assume I'm just a "white guy"? Hey, the British have treated us worse than they treated the slaves. They didn't take us away from our country, they came in, beat the shit out of us, and then stayed.... and then beat the shit out of us again. In fact, they're still there! Everyone cheered for freedom when the Brits got ousted from South Africa, but they're still hanging around in Northern Ireland. They call the freedom fighters trying to knock the red coats out of Ireland, "terrorists". If the IRA (I think that's the right accronym) are terrorists, than so were the American colonies, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let anyone talk bad about those fine people. They defeated the Indians fair and square. If you ask me, Manhatten for a beaded necklace was a hell of a deal! Would the Indians really want to be in charge of NYC right now? Of course not, we did them a favor.
The potato famine, was that lucky? A whole nation starving, wow, we really got the role of the dice with that whole thing. How pathetic is it to have to say your country went under due to the lack of potatoes! I mean we couldn't have had a chicken famine? Or a beef famine? No, we were completely dependant on the f-ing potato.
One of the most famous Irish symbols is Notre Dame. Then figure in the fact that the most famous character associated with it is some guy with a huge lump in his back. Boy, what a lucky guy. Has a mammoth hump, is hideous, AND lives in bell tower! Talk about a fortunate turn of events. Yes, these two things might not really go together, but there's a relation nonetheless.
When the Irish arrived at Ellis Island we were loathed. It took most of the 20th century for us to fully assimilate into American culture. We were denied jobs, beat up, oppressed and of course, drunk. That's right, let's get right down to it, we drink. The Irish have been stereotyped as heavy drinkers, and I'm here to say.... you're right. We know it and we love it. If you're going to be stereotyped, why not having everyone assume you can put down large amounts of booze. It's manly damn it, real manly. Drinking is something most people like and to be good at it, well in today's society it's something to brag about. We didn't riot or reek havoc with gang violence when times we tough, we just built pubs, got lit, and complained. We were only a danger to our own livers and if that's a crime, lock me up, and throw away the key....

This round's on me!

"Praise To My God.... As Long as I Win"

2004-10-23T02:56:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of it. An athlete gets to home plate after hitting a home run, a football player lands in the endzone, and now, a pitcher after winning an important game. What do they all have in common? God. Following these events you can often see a player pointing the sky in thanks to his "Lord". I have a BIG problem with this. I don't dislike it because I'm not religious, I dislike it because it's not consistent.
Last week, Curt Schilling was a wounded man. Hurt ankle and all he decided to still pitch as his team, the Red Sox, were facing elimination. After pitching a solid 7 inning game, Curt said "I became a Christian 7 years ago, and that wasn't me out there tonight, it was God". I am sick and tired of these over paid hacks, bringing God into every success they have on the athletic field. Curt, surely if it were God out there, he would have thrown a complete game, probably a shut-out even. But the real problem is the inconsistency in the praise of faith. When Schilling hurt his ankle, and his post season future was in doubt, he didn't stand in front of the media and say "well, God has a plan for me, and it's to sit out this series then so be it". No no, Curt said, I'm gonna pitch, regardless of the injury. One of the nice things about the Christian faith is that even when "bad" things happen, it's all happening for a reason, God had his reasons. But Schilling only acknowledges his faith after a win.
Albert Pujols, slugger for the St. Louis Cardinals, gave "all praise" to his "Lord" following game six of the Astros/Cards series. Where is the praise after a strike out? Or after an error even? No no no, only after hits, home runs, and wins. He could look at it as God is teaching him lessons through the bad times on the field, but no, only following success.
The problem here is that is dumbs down religion. I am not a religious person, but these over-paid, spoiled, pretty boys earn millions of dollars a year, and the first thing they say after a big game they won is, "I want to thank God for this". If you're not gonna stick by the rules of your faith then don't splash the "G-word" all over the TV cameras because you want to maintain an image. Do these athletes praise on high while having casual intercourse, swearing and getting drunk? No. This is not an anti religion stance. If anything I'm saying this shows lack of appreciation for the faith, using it to try and win a game... A GAME.
But here's the problem, we have men and women dying every day because they're making the ultimate sacrifice over seas. If God is helping people, THOSE are the people who need the help. Not Curt Schilling pitching, not Randy Moss catching a touchdown pass. This behavior by athletes completely undermines the work done by our armed forced and many other people in need throughout the world. You want to be a man of God? Ok, do what a handful of NFL players do, after the games on Sunday, they meet at midfield and pray.

Keith's Conclusion"
Do we really want to believe in a God that takes the time to help Curt Schilling pitch a game
over doing something necessary fot humanity, I want my God to be with the sick, starving and mourning. Who do these bastards think they are that God really cares that they scored a touch down. What does that really mean in the end of it all? The players should leave God out of their post game banter, or at least acknowledge during the hard times when you're not successful, because it seems to me, that's when "faith" would be needed the most...

KH

Resident for President!

2004-10-16T02:56:00.000-07:00

November 2, 2004..... Bush or Kerry = America loses...

Well it's election time once again, and I should be excited for my "sophmore" voting opportunity. Back in 2000 I sat in my dorm, a college freshman, glued to the TV watching Dan Rather call the election for both Bush and Gore at seperate times.. Nice to see he's gotten things straightened out...HA. Anyways, I remember back then thinking, "are these the only two clowns we could dig up to run for president?" I sided with Bush only because I'm registered republican so I figured that was a decent tie breaker. Thanks to vegetables in Florida, my guy took the ticket, and now everyone sees the impact the elderly can have on the country... besides running you off the road and providing a nice inheritence...
So here we are in 2004 AND.... nothing new. Bush again, and John "not bush" Kerry. The founding fathers are doing summer-saults in their respective graves watching these two campaigns. Bush is a puppett with the master not moving his mouth, but talking to his brain through a hidden ear piece and Kerry is the most beneficial thing to be dipped in Heinze Ketchup since french fries. This guy can't stand by anything to the point where he sits every time he pisses. Is America really in such terrible shape that these "creams" can so easily rise to the top?
Let's look at the type of people that put these men in the positions they're in...
KERRY:
Many of the people that support Kerry don't even like him. They just dislike GW more. That's fair, but to elect a guy by default, come on America. Basically every minority supports Kerry because Bush has the racial tact of Jim Crow, though he may get some votes from the mexican population who he has helped assimilate into US citizenship. Kerry is the "common man's" candidate. If by common man you mean a guy who gets botox done to his face, spends $100 every time he gets a haircut, and marries a widow worth $400 million. But people like him because he opposes bush's war in Iraq. Or does he? Who knows, but he disagrees with the way Bush took action so he's getting the vote of everyone who hates violence, but support abortion... hmmm These people also hate paper not being recycled, trees coming down, fossil fuels, meat, big business, and white men.
The homosexual community also supports Kerry because Bush sent gay-marriage ban to congress, even though no politician of any notarity has come out pushing to legalize gay-marriage. If gay people want to get married, LET THEM.. heaven forbid we risk an increase to divorce rates because we know how well us "hetero's" are doing with that.
The big liberal push stems from what I call "the DMB party". This group is the youth of America that gets their politics from musicans like Dave Mathewes. These sad followers pack stadiums to hear a man sing who has no clue anyone is even listening. Sick horses don't ingest as much drugs as this guy, but his "message" is so powerful isn't it kids? DM votes with whatever party is going to increase the hemp distribution, he's got a message alright it's "stand back or Im liable to piss on you in my intoxicated state". DMB fans love this guy like he's the second coming, which he is, the second coming of Ted Kennedy. Ya know, how has no one questioned that this guy comes from South Africa, home of apartheid, has a band who is prodominantly black, (only one other guy in the band is white if I'm not mistaken) but names the band after just himself. We use to have guys like him in this country, they lived below the mason-dixie line and owned "plantations".. Bottom line is, people my age get their politics from album covers and not from research or real life..

BUSH
Bush doesn't have many supporters, but what he lacks in numbers he has in dollars. He may not have a lot of fans, but the ones that do support him write big checks that never bounce. The knock on his professor is that he's a face for a regime with alterior motives. No one knows who's driving the car on this four year trip. The only sign of hope, Colin Powell, can't get out fast enough. I'm one of those republicans who always has said, "well, at least Colin's with him".. well shit, there goes that. He gets ENORMOUS backing from the "Christian Right". Ya know, these are the people that nod and smile when GW says "I prayed about going to war, and prayer has showed me it's the right decision". Really George? I pray for a threesome every night, that doesn't mean I should go into Hollywood and pay a couple of working girls to make it happen. Correct me if I'm wrong, don't the terrorists pray? Doesn't "their god" tell them to bomb us and blow things up? Hmmm, maybe it's about time we called off the crusades. If there is a God, you have to think he sits up there all the time just saying "oh.. no.. they're bringing me into this again... why did I ever have to go and design that Adam fella". The religious ones are also the people who are raised to "turn the other cheek" but then go out and shoot abortion Doctors. But as long as they seek forgiveness I guess the almighty barries the hatchet....
Bush also gets support for the anti-gay community. These people think that to be gay is to be "evil". According to their logic, gays shouldn't be married because it's "not right", or "unnatural". I gotta tell ya, I've seen a lot of hetero married couples, there's something "not right" about most of them. So basically it comes down to Sex, gay sex is sinful... of course, so isn't heterosexual sex, until YOU GET MARRIED. Our seperation between church and state is about the distance between Rosie O'Donell's thighs...

The point is, through all these "issues" the candidates really don't appeal to anyone because they're not everyone. They represent a economical and educational elite that puts them in a minority status. Who should run for President then? I'll tell you who, a neighborhood barber... If you know one, you know these guys talk to everyone, and know everything and anything. They're supportive, compassionate, and never make a move without asking your permission first. We don't trust politicians, but we trust our barber to run a sharp blade along our throat. They don't take sides, they just listen and charge very little to do so (lower taxes). They can take a messy situation and make it dignified, a barber truly would be the PEOPLE'S candidate... I don't know about that striped pole outside the white house though, that's just inviting some domestic vandelsim...

2004-10-16T02:53:00.000-07:00

Is this thing on?

Keith's Mind: An introduction to the maddness

2004-10-16T02:25:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends

Thank-you for taking the time, and risk, to explore this site. If you're checking this out odds are you know me at some level, some more intimate than others, wink wink, that's right, I'm talking to you, woman in Wyoming with the web cam. If you are unfamilar with me, Keith, then all I can say is my line of thought is often "unconventional". Some may even find it ludicrous, perverse, and/or insulting. The thing is, that's ok. Stirring up human thought and emotion is what it's all about. Taking something simple or complex, and dissecting it for whatever it may be worth. In the pages of this blog you find my quote, unquote, stream of conciousness. Ok, so I'm making this sound much more involved and impressive than it really is. Basically things come to me, I experience things, or hear about something that happened to someone else, and write about them. There will also be other things to examine on this as well.

I heavily encourage your feedback, positive or negative. It's more fun if it's negative because people taking the time to say they disagree means it's something they're passionate about, and that's how you have discussion.... and that's your nerve I'll play on....but honestly, let me know what you're thinking, or just say hi, because I like keeping in touch with everyone, and meeting new people with new thoughts.. Remember, I'm in a creative field, always trying to find the next funny idea or fresh concept, so pardon me if you some how get worked into an idea I might work into a project or stand-up line. No names will be used, but phone numbers will be available. So please read, respond, and hopefully enjoy at some level. I have never been one who has the ability to "satisfy" members of the human race, but I could just be the key to getting yourself out of the jail that is daily monatony...... let's cuddle...